Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

January 25th, 2010

First Impressions:
1. How, umm…, blue?
2. That lesbian sure looks sneaky.

Font-a-hell: I’m far from being a font geek, but there are at least 3 different fonts on this cover, which is at least 1 too many. What is even worse is the weird font used for “and the Order of the Phoenix”. It’s just straight-up hard to read.

I’m Assuming it’s About: Like I already said, a sneaky lesbian who is up to no good and likely has a mood disorder. But then again, let’s go with the assumption that if a title contains a character’s name and there is one character featured on the book, well, you do the math. (And let’s also assume that I really don’t know anything about Harry Potter because that would kind on ruin the whole premise here..) But now it gets tricky, what kind of lesbian is named Harry Potter? As a name, Harry Potter seems almost vaguely pornographic, and not even in the way that drag kings go for these days.

Blah blah blah – here’s my 5 cent summary: An old mansion is being haunted by a lesbian who is equal parts sneaky and sad. <SPOILER ALERT>At the end, it turns out that she is not evil, she just has to repent for the sins of her many cats (ie resurrecting birds they killed  – get it? The order of the Phoenix!) before St. Gertrude Stein lets her into gay heaven. </SPOILER ALERT>

Secret Messages: There are three doors in front of the sneaky lesbian. Three = trinity. Clearly, it’s some kind of reference to the Bible. And that Phoenix part totally must be some sort of reference to Jesus. Plus there’s that lightning bolt in the ‘P’ of ‘Potter’. Everyone knows lightning bolts = God. I bet the Christians will eat this shit up.

Remaining Burning Questions: Is the sneaky lesbian acting irresponsible around all that fire? I mean she’s all wavy her hands around while wearing loose fitting clothes while being in a rather drafty room. If she is not a ghost, she is totally going to catch herself on fire.

What To Do With This Book: Yes, lesbians are cool. But there’s just something incredibly uncool about this cover. Maybe is the ridiculous fonts. Or all the blue. Or maybe it’s just that weird face that the lesbian is making. Leave it be.

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I, Alex Cross by James Patterson

January 17th, 2010

First Impression: At first, I thought this book was titled “James Patterson” and was written by Alex Cross. But the big “I” in the middle threw me off.  I mean, what kind of person is called I. Alex Cross? Someone with a really embarrassing first name, I guess.  Like maybe Ickett. Wow, Ickett Alex Cross. No wonder he would go by I. Alex Cross. Because, really I.A. Cross sounds like one of those Bart Simpson prank calls gone wrong. Just imagine:

Moe (the bartender) – “I.A. Cross? Is anyone I.A. Cross?  I said, is any of you guys I.A. Cross? Wait – is this supposed to be a joke? Because I don’t get it. Does any one get it? <speaks into phone> Look you little twerp, just because I never went to Harvard or read a James Patterson book doesn’t mean I’m stupid. If I ever catch you, I’ll shove my own esoteric reference up your…”

Anyhow,  +5 points for having the title appear somewhat more predominantly than the author. But, -5 points for having a lame title.

I’m Assuming It’s About…: “A beloved Cross family member has been murdered.” Fuck you book. If anyone wanted to know what you were about, they would pick you up, turn you over, and read your back. Stop ruining my fun.  And I mean really, is anyone going to take a glance at this book and be like – “Oh shit. Some dude gets murdered in this book. I wonder if at least one person in that book is going to try to figure which other person in the book murdered that dude. Intense to the extreme! I totally need to buy it right now, go home, wrap myself in a Snuggie and read it. Thank God they printed the plot-line on the cover.”?

But really, this cover is pretty boring. And I’m pretty sure Alex Cross isn’t the one who got murdered, so this book is probably boring too.

Secret Messages: Why is the letter “I” as in “I, Alex Cross” so large? Clearly, Alex Cross is a self-centred douche-bag. And why is it written in orange? Probably because Alex Cross is a socialist. And why is James Patterson’s name written in blue? Obviously, James Patterson is suffering from depression.

Remaining Burning Questions:

  1. Who is the person in the doorway? The murderer? Alex Cross? The victim? The ghost of young Marlon Brando?
  2. Who dared to murder the “beloved Cross family member”?

Answers to Remaining Burning Questions:

  1. I don’t care.
  2. I really don’t care. But probably the rich uncle.

What to Do With This Book: Leave it in the bookstore with out even turning it over to read the back. You already know what happens. A beloved dude gets murdered. Original.

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